A short list of "unnecessaries."

1. It is unnecessary to charge $1.61 for a bottle of Mountain Dew.

2. It is absolutely unnecessary to eat crunchy and/or malodorous foodstuffs (including but not limited to granola, pretzels, potato chips, cereal, popcorn, crackers, anything flavored with garlic, or anything crunchy that is flavored with garlic) during class.

3. It is completely unnecessary to make me write two phone numbers as reference on a check, a ridiculous request in itself, but then give me attitude when I exclaim, “Two phone numbers?!? Beatrice, if you’re trying to hit on me, I must tell you, I’m a married man. Anyway, two phone numbers is a little overkill, you’re coming across a little stalker-ish from the start, not a good game plan.”

4. It is unnecessary for the Metra Rail to offer a discount for junior high students, while charging full price for college/grad students. Who has more money? Come on!

5. It is unnecessary to make an esoteric joke about Soren Kierkegaard and Immanuel Kant, during class, that only yourself and the professor will even begin to comprehend.

6. It is unreservedly unnecessary to have your girlfriend sit on the floor, betwixt your spread legs, so that you can give her an aggressively sensual and, might I add, an excessively thorough back massage in a public arena. (seriously, we’re going on 20 minutes here…bluck, yeck, geez.)

7. It is unnecessary to make apologies for your IBS. Rather, upon rushing into a dining establishment simply demand, with some sense of authority/desperation, the location of their restroom. After taking an uncomfortable amount of time in said restroom, exit confidently and state, "Alright, now I'm ready for lunch."